just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
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