i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
