I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
