Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
