I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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