Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
