Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
