I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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