I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
