The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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