yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
