I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Randomize
