I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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