I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
