I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
