if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
