I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
