Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
