i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
