I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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