sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Drunk is not a location!
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
