im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
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