I can text with my tongue
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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