my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
