I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
