I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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