my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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