i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
