This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
