WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
