Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
