I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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