im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Randomize
