he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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