I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
