I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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