I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
