guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
