my phone needs a breathalizer
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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