Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
