Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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