Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
