she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
