Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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