I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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