i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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