i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Randomize
