You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
