I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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