i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
