I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
