Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
