i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
