ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
