I CAN MOONWALK!
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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